i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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