i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
