I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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