He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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