I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Randomize
