what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
