So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
