My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
