Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
