You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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