Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
