Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
