It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
