I CAN MOONWALK!
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
