I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
