just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
