Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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