chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
