ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
