I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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