i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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