He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
