I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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