Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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