life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Randomize
