I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
