Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
