Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
