We named our party play list daddy issues
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
