Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
