I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Randomize
