I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
