people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
