I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
