Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
