roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
