did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
