it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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