why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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