i think my tv is drunk
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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