Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
