I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
