She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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