Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
