Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
