My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
