eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I think people are normalizing furries
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
