Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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