I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
