I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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